Something he couldn't grasp
by GinnytheQueen
Summary: "Celaena is dead, Chaol. A Valg prince killed her. It was Aelin that rose from the ashes." This is a Chaol/Celaena reunion. Contains both Chaolaena and Rowaelin feels but you'll have to read to find out how it goes.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own _Throne of Glass_ nor its characters, everything belongs to Sarah J. Maas

Note: this is my first fic in this fandom! So Aelin and Rowan have managed to restore magic. Aelin sees Chaol for the first time since leaving for Wendlyn.

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"Celaena," Chaol said at last.

"That's not her name," the fae hissed. The Chaol of years gone by, the Chaol who feared magic might've been scared by that inhuman sound. And to think that that – that creature and Celaena…

"You bow before approaching Queen Aelin, dirty Adarlanian."

"Rowan," Celaena said firmly. "Go back to our tent. I will be joining you shortly so we can talk," she paused "about whatever it was we were discussing."

They had a silent staring contest, but from the looks of it, Celaena won. The fae –Rowan– bent his head, murmured "As you wish, Aelin," and turned, but not before giving Chaol one last glare.

 _Our tent_. So the rumors were true. Celaena was having an affair with a fae warrior. A tinge of pain hit Chaol, but he ignored it.

"Really?" Chaol asked once they were alone.

"Shut up," she said before he could continue. "Think about what you are going to say before you say it."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Everything."

"I have become what I was always destined to be, Chaol."

"Oh? Was that fae part of the Queen of Terrasen deal?"

"His name is Rowan."

"And mine isn't dirty Adarlanian," Chaol replied.

She ignored that. "Look, Chaol, I _am_ glad to see you're alive and well, and you are more than welcome to stay. But I won't tolerate any kind of inconvenience."

"What do you mean?"

"I saw the way you and Rowan glared at each other."

"He started it! He _hissed_ at me, didn't even give me a chance to greet you properly and called me a dirty Adarlanian!"

She snorted. "He is the first of my court, he's bound to feel protective of anyone who comes near me, even though he knows I don't need it."

Chaol could not find the right words to say. "He –" She interrupted,

"He made a vow to protect me. Against my wishes, but he made it all the same and I must accept it. He's a valuable fighter and there is no one in the world that I trust more."

Chaol felt like he'd been stabbed directly in the chest. "You used to trust me."

Celaena _laughed_. "Feelings were involved. Did I ever really trust you? I find I still don't know the answer to that question. You served my enemy. Whereas I have not a single doubt about Rowan's loyalty. He's my friend."

"Friend," Chaol repeated, spitting the word.

"The terms of my relationship with Rowan are none of your concern," Celaena thundered.

His chest ached. She'd claimed to love him once, how could she be so cruel with him now? She had said she would always pick him, that nothing could make any difference, that after everything she would still pick him…

"I must thank you," she said abruptly, her tone changed.

"What for?"

"For making the King of Adarlan send me to Wendlyn. I once hated you for forcing me to go, but now I must acknowledge it was for the best. It has led me to Rowan and to finding myself. There I met and challenged my immortal aunt Maeve, and I made many valuable friends. So thank you, Chaol. I would never have found the strength to be Aelin again; I would've lived a life of falsehood and lie. In deceiving me, you saved Erilea from a future of eternal tyranny."

When he regained the capacity to speak, very quietly, he said:

"But I lost you."

"You lost me the second a sword of one of your guards touched Nehemia."

There was no point in arguing on that matter. She was right. But he couldn't help the words that escaped his mouth next. "It seems like you moved on rather quickly, though, didn't you?"

The golden rings in her eyes burned. "Are you perhaps implying something, Captain Westfall?" she asked, her tone glacial.

Her coolness broke him. "You said you would always pick me, but you did not hesitate in finding comfort in the arms of another."

"I advise you to choose your next words more carefully, Captain Westfall. I might spare you, but I doubt any of my court would, upon hearing you insult their Queen with such accusation."

"Celaena –"

"Don't call me that. I am not her anymore. Celaena Sardothien was a living reminder of my cowardice and my inability to act and face my demons. What you say is true – Celaena loved you dearly and fiercely and with everything she had. But she's gone. In her place stands a ruthful queen, in her heart only her people. There's no place for love."

"You've been Celaena for ten years. You cannot erase that. You cannot erase the feelings."

"I had to."

"I'll gain your trust again. If I can make myself love the new parts of you…"

"Make yourself? You can't force love, Chaol. Celaena knew that."

"If only you stopped talking about you in the past tense–"

"Celaena is dead, Chaol. A Valg prince killed her. It was Aelin that rose from the ashes."

 _Celaena_ , he still yearned to say. Instead he forced himself to utter "Aelin."

"Don't pain yourself. Know that, in letting me go, you have made me better. You have done Terrasen a great gift."

She looked up into his eyes and her features softened. Chaol thought she looked almost human again, but it was only a second.

"It was never going to work out. I could never have married a man from Adarlan."

Aedion's words echoed through his mind and Chaol was suddenly reminded of the general's condition.

"And if you must know about Rowan and me…" she spoke quietly, "Romantic isn't the nature of our bond. It's so much deeper than that. We have become _carranam_. Our souls are bound by blood and magic."

"And you need to share a tent for that?"

"Again, Captain Westfall, whomever I share a tent with is no longer your business."

He was about to say something, anything. Probably that he was Captain of the Guards no longer, or that his loyalty was to Dorian and not to his father, but too soon, she spoke again.

"Now if you will excuse me, I would like to rest. The journey to get here has been quite distressful, and Rowan awaits."

"Celaena," he stopped her. She flinched at the name. "We need to talk. I must tell you what happened to Dorian and your cousin –"

"Aedion? What about him? And Dorian?"

The tone in her voice and the sudden crack in her façade told him that she still cared for her cousin, she'd never believed that he acted on the King of Adarlan's orders.

"You knew. All along."

She understood what he meant, because she nodded. "We grew up together. There is no world where Aedion would commit those horrible crimes against our people."

Chaol was hit by the way she said _our people_. Everything about her had changed, he told himself, but the way she spoke now, even fiercer than before, gave him a strange feeling, like she was a million miles away, something he couldn't grasp, and it wasn't because of her new looks, all sharp edges and pointed ears, but the way she carried herself.

"Aedion and I worked together in your absence."

"He came to Rifthold? Is he mad? And where is he now?"

"He was summoned by the King. We used to meet in secrecy –"

"Straight to the point, Chaol. Where's my cousin?"

"In the Glass Castle dungeons."

"Fuck. I'm not ready for an assault in Rifthold… I need – I need to confront Rowan right now."

A white hawk descended on Celaena's shoulder from a nearby tree. "You are insufferable, you know."

"What did I –" Chaol was saying, before realizing that she wasn't talking to him. The hawk snuggled to her face, which Chaol found rather strange and unusual.

"Change, you really are of no use to me in this form."

Chaol didn't know why she was suddenly talking to– …there was a flash of light and suddenly Rowan was standing between them, the hawk on her shoulder gone.

The bastard had been eavesdropping their conversation. And probably laughing at Chaol's misery.

"I had told you to return to our tent, Rowan. That was an order."

Chaol watched as Celaena, frustrated, produced a ball of fire out of thin air and threw it at Rowan. He blocked the fire and extinguished it, looking as he couldn't be bothered to apologize. His eyes not less smug than before, even with his Queen scowling him. Chaol felt a tinge of pure hatred.

"You have more urging matters, Aelin. You should see to them." His tone was reprimanding. Now it was _him_ scolding _her_.

Chaol noticed two things: first, that Rowan did not address to her in the proper manner, he called her by her name when he should be calling her Queen; and second, as the look in her eyes softened, that Rowan had the ability to order her about, something that Chaol had never thought was possible.

"As much as I would love to fight right now, you are right," she said. "You heard everything. I need to rescue my cousin."

"Wait," Chaol said. "There is another thing."

"What?" Rowan asked impatiently.

"Dorian…" he said, his voice trembling at the name of his best friend, his king. "His father holds him captive." So he told them everything.

Aelin and Rowan took some time to process what Chaol had just told them.

"I'll go," Rowan said after a minute of silence.

"That is out of the question."

"You can't risk a trip to Rifthold. _That_ is out of the question. Do you know anyone who can go unseen, Aelin? I turn into a bird, no one will see me in my true form. We can't afford you to be injured, or worse, captured for a rescue mission."

He had a point.

"I'm not letting go of you again. I can't handle all of this by myself."

He caressed her cheek. "It pains me to leave you, but I would never let you out of my sight if I wasn't certain that you _are_ perfectly capable of handling things."

"But I don't want to be apart from you."

"Neither do I."

Chaol felt like he was intruding on a very private moment – and the thought sickened him. But he agreed with the Fae. Rowan was their best shot. And if he didn't come back… well, Chaol would not be devastated. _But she would_ , said a voice in his head that reminded him painfully of Dorian.

"If you get yourself captured or killed I will murder you, Rowan Whitethorn."

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 **A/N:** hope you enjoyed! Let me know in reviews :) I cried while writing this because I'm a masochist.  
I'm writing a couple of other fics set before/during Queen of Shadows, can't wait to share them with you!

Follow me on Twitter: Ginny_theQueen and don't be shy to say hi!


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